Friday, August 17, 2012

It's been a month

Really? Well even a bit more than a month since I posted.  I'm sorry for that! Been a bit...ummm..distracted. I do have tons going on. School, work, Zoe was sick, I was sick...Ugh the fun goes on!

Weighing heavy on me now is the upcoming week.

It will be the hardest week of my life - And I've been through some tough stuff. In just the last few months even, I've had some of the toughest stuff going on.

There's a saying "Choosing to have a child is choosing to have your heart go walking around outside your body".  Starting tomorrow, my heart will be gone for a full week.

Bootcamp? No.
In pain for several years before becoming a Disabled Vet? Nope.
Child birth? Nuhuh.
Husband decides to leave? Nah.
Liver disease?  Noparino.

Zoe's first time away like this? This will be the toughest.

She and I had never been apart more than an hour-ish at a time prior to January.  Then it grew to all day(PAIN), then over night(PAIN!), then 2 overnights(PAIN!!!).  But now it's making a huge leap forward and SEVEN overnights straight she will be gone.

I know to someone who doesn't know us, or maybe to someone who doesn't have kids, or someone who maybe just doesn't have the type of relationship that Zoe and I have, a week sounds like nothing.  I mean, even her own dad thinks it's no big deal, as he's the one doing it to her (Honestly, it's biological that moms and babies are so connected, so I get that he doesn't get it - doesn't mean I have to like it- He has never liked my relationship with Zoe and has expressed his jealousy of our closeness often, but that's another post all to itself one day, maybe...).  But it IS a huge deal. Zoe and I ARE that close.

I get, A LOT, that she is my mini-me in looks- but it's more than that.  She and I are just so much alike in so many ways.  Kinda freaks me out sometimes when she does things that are exactly the same as I know I was when I was a kid.  It's crazy! And I love it.  All at the same time. So I really understand her feelings, to a fault I guess, because things like this are out of my control.  It really sucks when your kid cries to you about leaving and all you can do is try to help her to 'make the best of it'.  Moms shouldn't have to do that to their kid.  Moms should try to fix the hurt, not tell her why she just has to suck it up.  She's THREE for God's Sake! It's not like she's not wanting to go because she's being an ornery pre-teen or rebellious teenager- She's not wanting to go because she's THREE and doesn't want to leave her mommy...

But this IS the situation, so Zoe and I talk about it so that she can get comfortable with it.  The comfort hasn't come yet.  She's very distressed every time we talk about it.  But we've come up with a few things that might help her, so we'll just have to see how it goes.  And if she's kept distracted enough while she's gone, I think she might actually be ok- I think the thought of leaving is just so hard for her; and the acting of leaving is hard, but once she gets into something else she'll be ok.  I'll call her a few times, maybe even video chat- so that'll be good.  I think she'll hit at least  few walls of not wanting to be away anymore, but I guess she will just have to suck it up :-( that makes me very sad.

Things like this will shape her personality for the rest of her life.  I just hope that there's enough good that when she looks back on life those memories will win out against the painful ones- I think they will, at least I will try to do my best so that they will. Even pain, though, can make us grow for the better sometimes.  It's even valuable to use to learn ways to deal with people who consistently cause you pain. I know life isn't always about fluffy bunnies and rainbows, but these are just hard lessons for a three year old to have to swallow.


While she's gone I am going to do pretty much the whole rest of the semester's homework and get everything ready for our trip.  I'm still working out the details for that, but she and I will get a week too.  And we will really need it!